I am sorry in advance...

Hello Friends,

I have had the worst week and a half - I have to tell you. I am not sure where to start. If it was not for the people that love me, (my wonderful Husband, daughters and Maria my awesome step-mom) I am not sure how I would have made it through.

I am sorry in advance for this post - but feel that if I don't talk about it I might disappear within myself.

Monday the 10th my son died and the next day, Tuesday Maria, Hubby and I went to my Ex's house to be with my other son and him. Hubby and Maria were wonderful to go just to support me. Wednesday Maria and I picked up my daughter, Jackalyn (from Michigan) from the airport and went back over there again.

That day I told them that we would be there and what time and the Ex left before we got there with his other Ex Judy - the one that came after me and they went off and made all the plans to bury my son without me. Like I didn't exist.

About 25 years ago My Ex and I were separated for a while. He came back and said he wanted to try again and was with me for 6 months of us trying to make it work and then one day he came home and said that's it - its's over and I'm taking the boys with me. He lied to me and was still seeing Judy that he dated during our separation and just pretended to be with me to take my boys from me.

For quite a while he and Judy did everything in their power to RUIN and DESTROY my life. They ripped my heart out and stomped and spit on it. They harassed and threatened me, Told the boys to call Judy MOM and call me Rosalie. I was constantly being tortured by them. I got threatening phone calls every day about 40 per day at home and at work, got my car vandalized  - all this by them, until one day - I was so alone and beat down - I thought my boys would be better without me. They hated coming over because of what they were always telling them. They were so confused. Then They took me to court and made me pay them $400 a month child support. I looked at the judge and cried and said how am I supposed to feed my daughter? I only brought home $300 a week and after that had no money for food. Friends actually had to feed us. My Ex and Judy ruined my entire life and I have lived with this horrible guilt, and hopelessness for all these years.

I realize now after having to see and deal with them again this past week and a half that is why I gained so much weight. The pain was too much for me to bear.

Many years ago the EX begged me to forgive him. I did and had to for myself to be able to go on with my life. I don't know why because I found out later he beat my daughter constantly without my knowledge.

Having to deal with them this past week has made me feel like I am being tortured all over again. Yesterday was the funeral and it was absolutely horrible. It was all about them and like I was nobody. His brother did the service which I thought was a big mistake. They actually made it like a sermon in church and said twice that My son Aaron was in heaven and was saved and if you ever want to see him again you have to be saved too. I was appalled that they would actually say that at a funeral.

A lot of people thought that Judy was their mother and not me because that is what they did and told people. There was one guy named Omar who wrote a rap song just for Aaron and performed it and said that in his nationality, they believe that the spirit stays here on earth for 30-40 days visiting loved ones and collecting love to take back with them. I though that was such a wonderful thought.

Most of the Ex's relatives were very nice to me even though I haven't seen them for 25 or more years. It is not them that has bothered me this past weeks they were very nice to me which I appreciate. I had to be the strong one all week and not say anything while my daughter and I were shunned and treated like absolute shit!!

After the funeral there was the burial and after that they all, went back to the church for what they called a re-pass for food and what-ever. Jackalyn and I could not be around them another minute and Hubby, me, Maria, my sister Lisa and Jackalyn left and went to Dave and Busters restaurant near by and Nicole (step daughter) and her boyfriend and best friend met us there later.

After we got out of the car Jackalyn and I felt a relief like we just dropped a 50lb weight. We were able to have a nice meal with my loved ones. On the way home the sadness and pain started hitting me again. I have no idea how long this will take me to heal again. I hope not 10 more years. I feel traumatized all over again and very - very sad.

Again I am sorry to tell you this but feel that I must. No-one ever knew this except my Hubby which we were dating way back then and my best friend Charlene. I just told Maria the whole story and she was shocked and said that her and Dad never understood why way back then.

I have people that love me today and I am not alone like before. NO Matter what happens to me - I will never let myself get to that place again and eat my way thru it. I will always be strong and eat healthy and make the right food choices.

Jackalyn and Hubby were telling me today how proud of me they are for the way I handled myself and for being so strong. I just wanted them to say - I can't believe you acted like that and I am proud of you. LOL. I am always the better person. Oh well...

Thanks for being here for me during this difficult time and understanding why I had to make this post today - and from now on I will try my best to let it go, no matter how long it takes me.

I love and Miss you all very MUCH!! :-)