I've lost over 90 lbs by doing the (Original) Belly Fat Cure and eating Healthy.
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I'm Not Dieting - I've Changed My Lifestyle

Friday, September 21, 2012

I am sorry in advance...

Hello Friends,

I have had the worst week and a half - I have to tell you. I am not sure where to start. If it was not for the people that love me, (my wonderful Husband, daughters and Maria my awesome step-mom) I am not sure how I would have made it through.

I am sorry in advance for this post - but feel that if I don't talk about it I might disappear within myself.

Monday the 10th my son died and the next day, Tuesday Maria, Hubby and I went to my Ex's house to be with my other son and him. Hubby and Maria were wonderful to go just to support me. Wednesday Maria and I picked up my daughter, Jackalyn (from Michigan) from the airport and went back over there again.

That day I told them that we would be there and what time and the Ex left before we got there with his other Ex Judy - the one that came after me and they went off and made all the plans to bury my son without me. Like I didn't exist.

About 25 years ago My Ex and I were separated for a while. He came back and said he wanted to try again and was with me for 6 months of us trying to make it work and then one day he came home and said that's it - its's over and I'm taking the boys with me. He lied to me and was still seeing Judy that he dated during our separation and just pretended to be with me to take my boys from me.

For quite a while he and Judy did everything in their power to RUIN and DESTROY my life. They ripped my heart out and stomped and spit on it. They harassed and threatened me, Told the boys to call Judy MOM and call me Rosalie. I was constantly being tortured by them. I got threatening phone calls every day about 40 per day at home and at work, got my car vandalized  - all this by them, until one day - I was so alone and beat down - I thought my boys would be better without me. They hated coming over because of what they were always telling them. They were so confused. Then They took me to court and made me pay them $400 a month child support. I looked at the judge and cried and said how am I supposed to feed my daughter? I only brought home $300 a week and after that had no money for food. Friends actually had to feed us. My Ex and Judy ruined my entire life and I have lived with this horrible guilt, and hopelessness for all these years.

I realize now after having to see and deal with them again this past week and a half that is why I gained so much weight. The pain was too much for me to bear.

Many years ago the EX begged me to forgive him. I did and had to for myself to be able to go on with my life. I don't know why because I found out later he beat my daughter constantly without my knowledge.

Having to deal with them this past week has made me feel like I am being tortured all over again. Yesterday was the funeral and it was absolutely horrible. It was all about them and like I was nobody. His brother did the service which I thought was a big mistake. They actually made it like a sermon in church and said twice that My son Aaron was in heaven and was saved and if you ever want to see him again you have to be saved too. I was appalled that they would actually say that at a funeral.

A lot of people thought that Judy was their mother and not me because that is what they did and told people. There was one guy named Omar who wrote a rap song just for Aaron and performed it and said that in his nationality, they believe that the spirit stays here on earth for 30-40 days visiting loved ones and collecting love to take back with them. I though that was such a wonderful thought.

Most of the Ex's relatives were very nice to me even though I haven't seen them for 25 or more years. It is not them that has bothered me this past weeks they were very nice to me which I appreciate. I had to be the strong one all week and not say anything while my daughter and I were shunned and treated like absolute shit!!

After the funeral there was the burial and after that they all, went back to the church for what they called a re-pass for food and what-ever. Jackalyn and I could not be around them another minute and Hubby, me, Maria, my sister Lisa and Jackalyn left and went to Dave and Busters restaurant near by and Nicole (step daughter) and her boyfriend and best friend met us there later.

After we got out of the car Jackalyn and I felt a relief like we just dropped a 50lb weight. We were able to have a nice meal with my loved ones. On the way home the sadness and pain started hitting me again. I have no idea how long this will take me to heal again. I hope not 10 more years. I feel traumatized all over again and very - very sad.

Again I am sorry to tell you this but feel that I must. No-one ever knew this except my Hubby which we were dating way back then and my best friend Charlene. I just told Maria the whole story and she was shocked and said that her and Dad never understood why way back then.

I have people that love me today and I am not alone like before. NO Matter what happens to me - I will never let myself get to that place again and eat my way thru it. I will always be strong and eat healthy and make the right food choices.

Jackalyn and Hubby were telling me today how proud of me they are for the way I handled myself and for being so strong. I just wanted them to say - I can't believe you acted like that and I am proud of you. LOL. I am always the better person. Oh well...

Thanks for being here for me during this difficult time and understanding why I had to make this post today - and from now on I will try my best to let it go, no matter how long it takes me.

I love and Miss you all very MUCH!! :-)


  1. Rosalie,
    dont be sorry! never be! If it helps you to let it out, then let it be; we will listen and we wont judge in here. I am sorry for all your sorrow Rosalie. You hang in there and you are missed so much by me! I keep checking your blog to see if you've written to say youre okay, please please keep your head up; you're a very strong woman.

  2. thanks for sharing Rosalie - i think it helps to get things out..

  3. I agree with Ashley Mae and Dawn. So glad you can share here and sending you love to help heal your hurt.

  4. You keep sharing, Rosalie. Whatever your heart wants you to share, we will listen and support you as you have done us. So sorry for your loss.

  5. Rosalie, I have been through a lot of things very similar to your story, I feel for you. That being said, I realized at some point that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and took charge of my life. All the things that happened so long ago are not going to make me feel bad today. Today is all we have, and each day I try to do at least one thing to make the next today better. My oldest daughter still holds a grudge against me because of untrue BS that her dad told her when she was small, she is 26 now. I have to just let that go, I write her an email every week and she seldom writes back, but I make sure she knows I love her regardless. As for her father and his family, I rejoice in the fact that I dont even have to think of him anymore, and havent since I took control back. I hope that you will be able to do the same after some time. Hang in there girl, you are someone special, don't forget that!

  6. It breaks my heart to hear this, and I'm so sorry for the pain you went through and are going through. Know that your blogger friends love and care about you! XO

  7. I agree with Jillie. I had a less than pleasant childhood but I refuse to let it determine who I am or what I do. I decided a long time ago that "living well" is the best revenge. I don't mean that to sound superficial but if you let them bring you down then they win. You rise above and live your life the best way you can - being good to yourself. You cannot be responsible for others actions or what they chose to do or not do - be responsible for your own self. You hang in there Rosalie and don’t let anyone else tell you your value!

  8. I'm sorry that you had such a horrible week. I am glad that you are a survivor and have a story to tell that may help others. It is the past, you can't change it, but you can and you do change how you live today!

  9. Rosalie, there is a lot of wisdom and support with what all these ladies have said. However, I do understand having wounds re-opened and mourning loss, not just of life but of relationships and time. It is perfectly acceptable for you to feel this and acknowledge your own inner strength and determination for yourself not for others. I am currently fighting to save a marriage my husband is convinced is over (I, however, KNOW that the BEST is yet to come if he'd just hold on). I could very easily choose to be angry and mean as he has knowingly made my worst nightmare/insecurity come true, however, I am focusing on reminding him of what brought us together in the first place (or at least what I think it was) and using every day to try and show him that things are and can be better. It may not work but at least I'm doing what I need to right now to live through this.
    Sorry to go off on a tangent about myself, but the point of this being that YOU KNOW the truth about your love for your children and now that Aaron is in another place where there are no biases, manipulations, negativity...he will KNOW the truth too and feel it when you think of him.
    Thank you for sharing and we are here for you in any way you need us.

  10. Thanks for sharing. Now take the time you need to heal. You are a special person.

  11. Wow Rosalie that is a lot, I agree with others I think it helps to get it out and share. Hang.
    in there, big hugs

  12. What a lot you've had to deal with and are still dealing with in your life. I don't know why bad stuff has to happen to good people - it's so unfair. I'm glad that you've made a new life for yourself that has loving, supportive people. I hope the upcoming weeks will bring you some peace.

  13. Oh goodness! After going thru a not nice funeral for my mom...had i been with ya...i would've said something and taken the heat for it. I'm sorry. Time is what you need. Hollar if we can help!!

  14. Thank you for sharing. It is very inspiring to me to see how you have overcome such tremendous obstacles. I am so sorry that your children were taken away from you and abused and lied to. Probably you know this but whatever you do, do not let any self-blame seep in. You were in an impossible situation and you made it out. Now you are an inspiration to so many and your children will benefit from watching how you have found your life's path. I am so very sorry about your son. I would love to hear more about him in upcoming posts. Healing has so many layers and cannot be rushed. Thank you for your contribution to this self care project, it makes all the difference to me and so many others.


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Some tips if you are having trouble

  • First make sure that you are staying under the 15/6. 15 sugars and 6 servings of carbs for the whole day. Thats no more than 5 sugars and 2 servings of carbs per meal.
  • Track all of your sugar/carbs. Add everything from your meal together and count them that way.
  • Try to stop eating whole grain carbs after 3pm.
  • Make sure you drink lots of water.
  • Count everything that you put into your mouth. Even sauces - everything , check labels.
  • Make sure that you don't eat any artificial sugars. Check labels, if it says sugar free - look in the ingredients, look for....sucralose, aspartame, saccharine in the ingredients. Those are BAD!
  • Going #2 is a big problem when a lot of people start the BFC. I have solved that problem with Clear Benefiber in my morning coffee and a scoop of Super Seed w/water in the afternoon. (you can buy the super seed on Amazon.com it is the cheapest).
  • Choose your carbs wisely. Try to pick the carbs that will give you the lowest count of carbs, sugar and calories and the most fiber.

I hope this helps.