OK so I decided that I probably should write something. Many of you have sent me emails and messages wondering where I am. I want you to know that I appreciate that very much even though I have not answered.
I just can't get myself right lately and I am having a extremely difficult time dealing with the loss of Aaron. During this time I have realized so much about my life that I would like to share.
I have lost 2 of my brothers at different times in my young life and I remember how I felt, how sad I was , how I cried all the time, but never do I remember caring how my MOTHER felt! I just remember me! My father recently died almost 2 years ago and he was able to get love and forgiveness during those last 10 years of his life from all of us.
My Mom died 10 years ago and she was pretty lonely. I remember always feeling like I never want to be like my MOM. She had a bad marriage with my dad and left him when we were very small - I was 5. He was a bad person probably from growing up in Poland and losing all his family to Hitler and being in every Concentration Camp there was over there and some how survived, It did something terrible to him.
Well anyway my mom withdrew from life and us I think and got depressed. Who would blame her from what she went thru and of losing 2 of her own children. I now know of what she felt and I am so sorry I did not do more for her to show her I loved her more even if she got on my nerves.
But never in my life would I EVER talk bad to her or my dad or say anything MEAN no matter how I felt about her. I would just be there for her and take her places and tell her I loved her. I feel so bad for her.
Now along with me feeling like I am dying inside every second from the grief and guilt I feel inside about Aaron, I should have tried harder or something, now my other 2 have withdrawn from me too. Maybe I deserve it I guess. I just don't know anymore.
I feel terrible and the lack of sleep is getting to me and find it hard to blog or participate or anything. And we all know that by blogging some people read this stuff that we don't want to. I am still eating good of course, that will never change. My weight is 148.5 this morning. Nothing has helped much with the sleep thing. I just seem to lay there and now I look so bad, my eyes are so puffy. The Valerian root did nothing. The generic benadryl sleep stuff I got helps a tiny bit and I think I got a few hours of sleep last night. I have been walking everyday as long as its not raining. Sometimes that is the only time I actually go outside.
My wonderful Husband has been working a lot of O.T. so we can get more money to put down on a house. He is the only one that I can tell absolutely everything to. He has been with me for 22 years and thru all the bad and I feel like he is the only one who will truly understand.
I feel like I am allowed to feel this grief - its only been 3 months. The doctor's don't care and will only give me drugs which I will NOT take. Those are too addictive and I just won't. I have to get past this my own way - in my time. I feel like Nothing will help me right now.
Find a way to love the family that you DO have, even if you don't like them very much. Time is so short.
This is PurpleRosy signing off...
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I'm so sorry you are feeling this bad! There's nothing that will take the pain away, but you have to know that Aaron knows how you feel. I believe that when people pass they can read our minds and hearts and he knows you did everything you could for him to the best of your power. I wish I could take away your pain, but it's part of the grieving process and I hope it lessens soon. The lack of sleep isn't helping much either and I wish I could help with that, too, but I'm not sleeping much either. Big HUGS to you Rosie!
ReplyDeleteCarey
Sometimes insomnia is a way of our body telling us to face something. I am so glad that you are finding the space to face it, as painful as it is and as moment to moment as it is. I lost my dad suddenly over a year ago and had insomnia and some very dark moments that felt like they would never end. But they do. That's when I found this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, which is now in my top ten favorite quotes. - "We are the strength we overcome." Every moment that you live will make you stronger and you won't have to go to through it again, similar to contractions during labor :). I am sorry about your children distancing themselves, I am sure it is just part of their process. So glad that you are reaching out. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteRosie,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a long time and I hate to see you suffer like this. I know the grieving process is tough and you have a lot of issues to work through in your mind. The best advice I can give you is to turn to God. He's the only one who can help you. Please search out a good minister who will really listen and give you some guidance. A verse that has really helped me is, "I will keep you in perfect peace, who's mind is stayed on thee." (meaning God will keep you in perfect peace, just focus on Him.) He has promised to never leave you and never forsake you. He will guide you and show you what to do.
I know that all sounds easy, but it's not. It just helps me to know that I am not alone and there is hope for the future. This earth doesn't give us much hope. Only God can.
I will be praying for you. Sleep well tonight.
I agree.with the person above me. Find a four square church and fund someone there. I'd be happy to pray for you. Hollar if you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear you on the blog,,,I just sent Trina a note asking if she heard form you,,,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear the anguish you are going through. We all care about you and miss when we don't hear from you.
Write when you feel up to it. Sharing all the past troubles you went through as well as your parents has been
rough. You have had more then most to deal with.
Linda
Rosalie, I'm so sorry you are going thru such a difficult time. I'm happy that you have your husband for support. Grief is something that effects everyone in different ways, and we never know what form it's going to take day to day. There just seems to be so much sadness these days that I can hardly take it. Hearing about those kids in Connecticut just broke my heart yesterday. If there is anyway you can reach out to your own kids I say do whatever it takes. I think everytime someone dies, we think about our relationship with that person, and how things could have been different, no matter what kind of relationship we had with them. Our minds just won't shut off at times like these, and that's probably why you can't sleep. Of course you are allowed to be sad and to grieve. Time and love from those around you is probably the only thing that will help you to move on. The biggest and warmest of hugs to you Roaslie
ReplyDeleteRosalie,I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I think you shouldn't have any expectations on how long your grief should last. Just a thought maybe yoga or meditation would help your body relax and help you get some sleep. I agree since you don't want to take drugs you should stick to your guns so many of those sleep aids and anti-anxiety drugs are super addictive and in the end they often make things worse. That's just my two cents, big hugs to you xxxxx.
ReplyDeletexoxo Rosy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the pain that you are feeling Rosalie. I know it hurts tremendously and I hurt for you as well. Big hugs and lots of love being sent your way my friend. XOXOX Kim
ReplyDelete