This past week has been hard for me to say the least. Yesterday was the funeral for the firefighter that worked with my husband that dies a few weeks ago. It was a wonderful service. It started with a special flag ceremony at the fire department then some refreshments after.
I had prepared myself for everyone of Hubby's friends that he works with to come and say how sorry they were about my son, but it was still hard. Some of them just walked right by me at first cause they did not recognize me. I hadn't seen them for quite a while.
After My daughter and I went to visit Hubby's mom for a hour then off to the church for the service. I'm sure that you have never been to a firefighter funeral before - but it was incredibly sad and I was so glad I went. They had a guy who opened up his mouth and an angel came out singing. He was incredible and sang 2 songs.
They had many people get up and speak about Jeff and My Husband who was his Captain got up and spoke. He was awesome! The stories he was telling about Jeff just happened not that long ago and it touched me.
At the end all the firefighters lined up and saluted his picture one - by one. Then they all lined up outside down the stairs and down the sidewalk on both sides and stood at attention while every walked out. It truly was a beautiful service.
I have been feeling so guilty and heartbroken about my son. He pretty much hated me when he died. I tried to mend it but failed. It is such a long story and way too personal to share the whole thing. I have been told the past few days that I am being selfish for thinking of myself at this time.
I realized this week that because of the pain and guilt I have lived with due to my decisions over 25 years ago is why I had gained all that weight and let myself get so fat. Being forced to deal with those people again had been very difficult for me and just keeps bringing up all those terrible memories.
The viewing is on Wednesday bet 4-8pm ( which I don't want to see him again ) but I have to go and sit there anyway.
Then the funeral is Thursday at 12 - then hopefully after it all I won't have to see them anymore and I can try to go on with my life and let go of the terrible memories once again.
Please - Please if you have a broken relationship that needs mending - do it now before its too late like me.
Thank you all for caring and thinking about me at this time. You have no idea how much it touches me.
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Rosalie, You are such a strong and loving woman! I'm so, so, sorry about your turmoil and heartbreak as losing your son is such a devastating loss and to have not had a relationship with him...my heart is hurting for you. You are not being selfish, you are being a Mother who loves her son regardless of whatever has happened in the years past. I have had a very tumultuous relationship with my son for over 10 years and have been trying to mend it. I have taken your suggestion and again wrote my son and told him how much I love him. Thank you for so honestly sharing and always inspiring me. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please know that I appreciate you and care for you although we have never met. Sending love and hugs to you <3
ReplyDeleteRosalie...I am still here sending love you have so many people praying for you...know that thinking and feeling your personal pain at this time not selfish it is your responsibility to process all of this your own way in your own time. People say and do harsh things at these times remember the are also speaking from their own pain. One step at a time you are loved and supported; we all do painful and regretful things in our lives it is just part of it all we're not perfect we make mistakes.
ReplyDeleteDearest Sistahfriend, in fact I've worked around fire fighters and cops for years. In fact...I completely dislike the services for firefighters and cops for different reasons. I hate the bagpipes (which are a beautiful instrument, sigh). I'm glad you went to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry and at a complete loss for words for you. As a matter of fact, thus morning after church i told hubby the exact thing. People say the damdest things at the worst times, usually out of grief or more out of ignorance. Please know that is their problem (s). Don't let it consume you. We cannot change what people think/say. Do what you need to for yourself! Please know that i am here if you need to vent or cry...no judging!!!
Rosalie, Again I am sorry for your lost and you pain,
ReplyDeletebut also i would like you to know that you are not in any ways being selfish. I just cannot believe people would say such things to you. It is wrong for them criticize people in such manners especially when you have lost your son. Dont listen to them no matter who it is. you are not being selfish.
MANY HUGS TO YOU!
I agree with Ashley Mae that you are not being selfish, some people have such big balls to say such rude things like that. Big hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteI feel for you my dear. I have a terrible relationship with my daughter and I keep trying, trying, trying to mend it and she wants nothing to do with it. May I send this post to her? Maybe it will make her think. I think you are right that these feelings we hold inside ARE the cause of a lot of our health problems. I will send you positive thoughts and energy this week. As for someone saying you are being selfish, well, they must have never been in this situation or they would never say such a hurtful thing to you. Either that or they are just a total ass. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteJillie
of course you can send this to her
DeleteI am praying that you have the support you need through this. Everyone grieves in a different way and no one should be in judgement of you at this time.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel the support of all of us who are thinking of you at this time.
Rosalie, your heart string is still attached to your son. You can, at any time, send him love. <3
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a big hug. There are just no words. Just don't forget all of us that love you and think you are great! You do have value!
ReplyDeleteDear Rosalie, I am just so heartbroken for you. I am sorry that people have said things that have added to the pain that you are already feeling. I also think that everyone that reads your blog would attest to the fact that you are NOT a selfish person. I will be thinking about you and praying for you on Wednesday and Thursday. Lots of love and hugs being sent your way.
ReplyDeleteYou are not thinking of yourself, you are thinking of the "situation" big difference. No one can tell you how to grieve (and shouldn't). I'm thinking of you this week and hope you find the strength to ride out the week with grace and courage (rise above others who try to drag you down with negative comments). This week is about Aaron :)
ReplyDeleteRosalie.....I'm just so sorry for your loss. May God give you the strength and courage to get through all of this. Those people who are putting you down are doing this for their own selfish satisfaction. Hang on, you are a strong women and don't let anyone tell you different!
ReplyDelete